the presidential candidates as D&D characters
Since the election is coming up, I thought it would be a useful thought experiment to examine the presidential candidates as if they were characters in a d20 RPG.
Hillary Clinton is clearly chaotic evil, since she is willing to do whatever it takes to obtain power and quite obviously would rather destroy the Democratic Party than yield the nomination. There’s always 2012! As for a character class, I would put her at a multi-classed Rogue 7/Wizard 12. Rogue, because both she and Bill are quite wealthy, and have all sorts of shady financial dealings in their past; it would not surprise me in the least to learn that both Bill and Hillary had expert skills in Lockpicking and Detect Traps.
But why Wizard 12? There’s no doubt in my mind that Hillary is a political lich; at some point she removed her political soul and encased it in some sort of Horcrux-like vessel. Consequently, she is impervious to conventional political attacks, and even magical-grade political attacks (like the Sword of NAFTA +5) do only limited damage to her undead political flesh. Obama has spent most of the last month beating her like a drum, and yet she keeps coming back, and coming back, and coming back. Just like a lich! Also, her chilling touch causes paralysis on a failed saving throw, an aura of unnatural fear surrounds her, and her eyes flash with a hellish gleam when angered.
I predict there’s a 2 to 1 chance she will be the next president, unless either Obama or McCain manage to locate and destroy her phylactery in the interim.
Barack Obama, I would suspect, is neutral evil. Like Hillary, he too seeks power, but seems content to rely on whatever tactics actually work, rather than reveling in political combat for the sheer pleasure of it. He lacks Hillary’s experience with brutal political combat, and hopes to bank upon his natural charisma to carry him through. I would put him at Rogue 3/Bard 15. Rogue, because like Hill and Bill, he’s got some shady financial dealings in his background (he just isn’t quite as good at it, yet.)
The Bard levels should be obvious. What is the “Yes We Can” video but a Bard swaying a huge gathering of followers with the magical power of his voice?
Unless Obama can locate and smash Hillary’s phylactery before the convention, he’ll probably become Hillary’s VP and her Harbinger of Doom (he’ll be the Kas to her Vecna, as it were), since he can’t match her in hand-to-hand political combat. Then no doubt she’ll use some sort of political sorcery to bind him to her will. Probably a Geas spell, or she’ll give him the Elixir of Corrupt Political Dollars and rule him forever.
I peg John McCain as lawful evil. He obviously desires power; he’s spent the last ten years running for president, after all. But why lawful? McCain came very close to gaining the Republican nomination in 2000, only to lose out to George W. Bush due to false smear rumors in South Carolina. McCain then spent the next 8 years loyally following Bush and giving him a big hug at various photo ops. Now that’s lawful! Level-wise, I’d say he’s an Aristocrat 7/Fighter 9/Barbarian 6. The Aristocrat levels come from his wealthy background and the fact that his wife is a freaking beer baroness. The Fighter levels derive from his combat experience, and the Barbarian levels from his famed temper. McCain has the Barbarian Rage ability, which he can use to dramatic effect.
McCain’s advantages come from the fact that he is old, tough, and stubborn with a high Constitution score, and so has killer saving throws against practically everything. Consider his former Republican opponents, all of whom he crushed. Rush Limbaugh tried to cast Finger Of Death on his campaign and failed, and the New York Times tried to cast Emotion: Scandal on him, and the paper just wound up looking stupid. Consequently he is immune to Obama’s Bard Song and resistant to Hillary’s political spells. He has a better chance of defeating Hillary than Obama, but Hillary is just as wily and stubborn as he is, and can command several Hit Dice worth of undead, besides (James Carville chief among them). Oddly, he has worse odds against Obama, since Americans in general have weak saving throws against Charisma. Also, McCain’s Barbarian Rage ability has a knack of alienating people who otherwise would have been his core followers.
Ralph Nader is probably some kind of kobold-like creature, or perhaps a goblin. Either way, his Challenge Rating is negligible.
-JM
UPDATE: SF writer Charles Stross thinks that the presidential candidates are in fact demon gods. I don’t know; I think that gives them too much credit. If Hillary was really a giant lizard goddess, Bill would be a smoking grease stain on a carpet somewhere…and I don’t even want to think about what she’d do to Monica.