High Octane Standard Thriller Fantasyland!

A while back I stumbled on an Internet argument between fantasy readers and thriller readers. (Admittedly, it was pretty stupid, as most Internet arguments are.) But the gist of it was that the thriller readers were boasting they read serious books about the Real World, while the fantasy readers read, well, fantasy books.

But! The fantasy readers pointed out that most thrillers are set as much of a fantasyland as anything J.R.R Tolkien or Robert E. Howard ever wrote.

Now, I’ve read a lot of fantasy novels AND a lot of thriller novels, and I think that’s a good point. You know how Standard Fantasy Worlds have knights, wizards, orcs, dark lords, magic rings, magic swords, and helpful innkeepers who offer local rumors and so forth?

Well, if you ever find yourself transported to Standard Thriller Fantasyland, here is what you can expect to find:

1.) An aimless drifter will turn out to be a former Special Forces operator skilled in every form of combat known to man.

2.) If the aimless drifter visits a small town, it will always be the center of some wide-ranging criminal syndicate.

3.) But if he visits a major city, it will be the center of a major terrorist plot within 24 hours.

4.) When an international crisis erupts, the President of the United States will rely on a crack team of aimless drifters to save the world.

5.) The CIA and other intelligence agencies can occasionally find someone.

6.) To save the day, the hero will have to burst into Congress during the State of the Union while shouting “Mr. President! Mr. President!”

7.) Every mid-sized city and up has a serial killer who has operated undetected for decades, unsuspected save for one alcoholic detective who needs to close the case.

8.) All detectives are troubled but brilliant. The more stable and emotionally well-adjusted the detective, the less likely he is to find his suspect.

9.) Alternatively, detectives are hard-drinking lone wolves who manage to avoid demotion, lawsuits, and criminal prosecution despite their complete disregard for procedure.

10.) Private investigators wind up investigating capital crimes instead of insurance fraud and divorces.

11.) Every conspiracy always goes All The Way To The Top.

12.) The most expensive the hotel, the more likely it is to be a center of international intrigue.

13.) Every rural farm town is secretly controlled by a sinister militia or, barring that, a meth gang.

14.) Local police don’t exist. The FBI investigates everything. Even traffic stops.

15.) When local police exist, the sheriff will be part of the sinister militia or a meth gang.

16.) Alternatively, the sheriff will be a lantern-jawed widower with an adorable six-year-old daughter, and he will team up with the aimless drifter to battle the sinister militia or the meth gang.

17.) After firing a shotgun, the character must deliver a one-liner.

18.) Either weapon recoil doesn’t exist, or after firing a shot, the hero has a inner monologue about the capabilities of his firearm to prove that the author did the research.

19.) Every poor urban neighborhood is ruled by a ruthless gang boss who has police captains on his payroll, posts music videos to YouTube, and dresses like a 90s rap star. He may or may not have a pet tiger on his premises.

20.) The hero’s love interest will be as deadly as she is beautiful.

21.) The hero’s love interest will have a child she is unable to see because she is on the run from the CIA or the GRU or Burger King’s corporate office or something. Every so often, she will stand in the street outside her child’s school and watch longingly from behind her sunglasses, but only if it is suitable cloudy to be atmospheric.

22.) Every US Senator is secretly a serial killer with a taste for prostitutes, and has a sinister chief of staff who Takes Care of problems for the Senator.

23.) Every US Congressman is carrying on multiple affairs and frequently receives briefcases full of cash during clandestine meetings at the Jefferson Memorial.

24.) Social media CEOs have teams of sinister mercenaries to eliminate people who investigate their algorithms.

And, finally, the Ultimate Feature of every Standard Thriller Fantasyland:

25.) The bad guys will be based on people the author dislikes in Real Life.

-JM