Star Trek vs. Microsoft Windows (and other operating systems)
I am vexed. I just lost two and a half days of work.
(It’s hard to back up a major computer system when you’re actually assembling it.)
This makes me think of the new Star Trek movie. What would happen if the crew of the Enterprise had to use a Microsoft operating system?
###
Mr. Spock: Captain, a Klingon warship is approaching.
Kirk: Red alert! Lock phasers and arm torpedoes. Mr. Sulu, fire on my mark.
(The KLINGON WARSHIP ominously fills the viewscreen.)
Kirk: Fire!
(Nothing happens.)
Kirk: Mr. Sulu, I said fire!
Sulu: I…I can’t, sir! I’m still waiting for phasers to lock on.
Kirk: Then lock phasers and fire!
Sulu: Sir, my console only says that “Windows Explorer Is Not Responding: Restart or Close the Program?”
(The ENTERPRISE shakes as the KLINGON WARSHIP opens fire. Since seat belts haven’t been invented in the 24th century, the crew is flung dramatically from their stations.)
Kirk: Dammit! Restart, restart!
Sulu: Restarting Windows Explorer now, sir!
(Long pause.)
Sulu: I’m only getting a blue screen, sir.
Mr. Spock: Captain, I suspect this phenomenon is known as “hanging up”, a colloquial Earth expression that means…
Kirk: I know what it means, Spock! What do we do about it?
(The ENTERPRISE shudders again. Kirk’s shirt is torn as he rolls across the deck.)
Mr. Spock: We must reboot the computer, sir.
Kirk: Kirk to Engineering! Scotty, reboot the main computer.
Scotty: But, sir. We haven’t properly completed shutdown. An improper shutdown could lead tae data loss! I cannae change the laws of…
Kirk: Dammit, Mr. Scott, that’s an order! Restart the computer!
Scotty: Aye, sir.
(SCOTTY yanks the power cord on the ENTERPRISE main computer and plugs it in again. Suddenly every display on the bridge goes dark, and is soon replaced by the MICROSOFT WINDOWS logo.)
Kirk: C’mon…c’mon…c’mon…
(The ENTERPRISE shakes again from a direct hit. A console explodes, killing an ENSIGN IN A RED SHIRT. No one pays any attention.)
Kirk: Scotty, I need that computer now!
Scotty: Coming up now, sir!
(The WINDOWS STARTUP SOUND is heard. KIRK stands.)
Kirk: Finally! Lock phasers and fire!
Mr. Spock: Captain, the computer appears to be displaying some sort of message.
(The viewscreen turns blue, displaying the message “Windows Is Installing Important Updates. Please Do Not Shut Down Your Computer. 0 Percent Complete.)
Kirk: You have got to be kidding me! What kind of fu…
(The KLINGON WARSHIP fires again, destroying the ENTERPRISE.)
###
Of course, things wouldn’t go any better if the Enterprise used Linux.
Mr. Spock: Captain, a Klingon warship is approaching.
Kirk: Red alert! Lock phasers and arm torpedoes. Mr. Sulu, fire on my mark.
(The KLINGON WARSHIP ominously fills the viewscreen.)
Sulu: Typing the command to lock phasers now. Let’s see…sudo lockphasers -device /proc/wpns/phasers/phaserbank1 | target -enemy /proc/ships/enemyships/enemyklingonships/birdofprey | firephasers -power 100 -duration 5 /proc/ships/enemyships/enemyklingonships/birdofprey.
(An error message fills the viewscreen.)
Kirk: Mr. Sulu, what the hell does “bash: command not found” mean?
Sulu: I don’t know…wait, I must have used the wrong syntax on the target command…
Mr. Spock: You n00b, you don’t have a shell script for that? Srsly? RTFM!
(The KLINGON WARSHIP fires, destroying the ENTERPRISE.)
###
And things wouldn’t be much better if the Enterprise used a Mac, either.
Mr. Spock: Captain, a Klingon warship is approaching.
Kirk: Red alert! Lock phasers and arm torpedoes. Mr. Sulu, fire on my mark.
(The KLINGON WARSHIP ominously fills the viewscreen.)
Sulu: Sir, we don’t actually have a computer.
Kirk: What do you mean we don’t have a computer?
Sulu: We couldn’t afford a Macintosh, sir.
Mr. Spock: I’m afraid Lieutenant Sulu is correct. We could not to spend upwards of $2000 on a Mac Pro.
Kirk: Son of a…
(The KLINGON WARSHIP fires, destroying the ENTERPRISE.)
-JM